i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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