sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize