i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
