my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
