Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize