I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
