thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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