Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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