My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
