I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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