i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
