the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
