We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize