he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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