My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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