he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
