just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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