She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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