JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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