I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
