before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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