My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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