Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
