life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
there's paper in my vomit.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
