thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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