I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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