He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
