she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
