I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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