If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
