I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
