So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
