Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
