Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
