Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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