when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
