Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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