I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
