can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
