I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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