Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
