Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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