Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Green mimosas i think yes
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Randomize
