Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
