all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
This is my gift to your gina
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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