i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
