I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
