Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
