dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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