Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
