Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
