you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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