What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
