one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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