I'm sorry my penis didn't work
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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