Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
