why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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