How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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