If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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