Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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