he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
