i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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