all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize