grandma shit on top of the toilet
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
