Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Randomize
