I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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