She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
